+ HELL'S BELLS

I'm on the Ananthapuri Express and finding out all over again what pains people can be, especially people with cellphones.

Right now, it's one thirty in the night. So why am I typing away on a miniscule keypad with prediction turned on when the far sensibler and correct option would be to sleep? Well, what do you know, I was asleep and dreaming when i suddenly realized that the persistent beeping I was hearing wasn't really part of the dream. I came out of my dream and my sleep, and found this guy on the opposite berth fiddling with his mobile. He was probably going through his pile of the day's forwards, hence the minutes-long beeping that woke me up.

Of course, every phone has a silent mode, but when was the last time you were reminded of that by the absence of a ring in the middle of a movie or concert? And the current generation of people with buddy-phones will very well know that, during all the hours in a day that they are plugged into it listening to music, it's muted to the outside world. But then again, when did you last meet the sensitive or sensible mobile user?

The mobile phone is the latest instrument of rudeness. It far leaves in the shade the smoker who, in any company, cannot help asking: 'Do you mind if I smoke?' I can't say I damn well do, can I? But at least he asked.

Mobile phones have brought about an entirely new paradigm of bad behaviour and social awkwardness. You hardly find people sitting still for five minutes - they are already fiddling with their phones. It might look like the phone-and-user space is tiny, inconsequential, and innocent. Hardly. The mobile is the ultimate passive-aggressive weapon. You can use it in a variety of ways to obliterate the world around you.

Start fiddling with it in the middle of two-way communication to completely confuse or frustrate the other person. Do this repeatedly to tell them they are just a teeny part of your humongous world. If you have recently started despising an acquaintance, you can convert them into a mental wreck simply by persevering with this.

God, I haven't typed this much on a phone keypad in ten years of having a cellphone, and I know I'll never be able to understand how people can do it everyday. My fingers and wrists ache from holding the phone and tapping away on the keyboard, it's taken me ten times as much time to type this as it would have on a computer keyboard, and my hands are close to getting their nerves shot. I don't expect to fully comprehend the universe of the inveterate and compulsive cellphone user but I think I'm beginning to understand y dey typ lyk dis tho it teks mo tym.

As for me, well, the cell demon's now in a slumber, so let me too catch a little of it before the next rash of beeps near dawn as the alarms begin to go off.

Yawn!

+ Pedestrians - Scum Of The Earth...

"It’s compulsory to wear helmets when you ride your two-wheeler on the road. The government cares about whether we crack our skulls."

"But women on pillion and Sikhs don’t have to wear helmets, right...?"

"Okay, so then, the government actually cares about the rest of us two-wheeler users."

"How can you tell?"

"Well, doesn’t it? You actually have to pay a fine if you don’t wear a helmet. That’s how much the government cares about you. The government actually insists. It is scared at the potential loss of national brain power if people don’t wear helmets. Really, two-wheeler users must be among the most valuable human commodity in the country."

"Why? Why do you say that?"

"Surely, it must be true. Well, okay, take the four-wheeler users out of the reckoning. They don’t face the same kind of danger as two-wheeler users. But among two-wheeler users and pedestrians, two-wheeler users have to be by far the more valuable bunch."

"Again, why do you say that?"

"Isn’t it obvious? Pedestrians clearly are as valuable as stray dogs – maybe, slightly better. Most roads have pavements even mountain goats can’t walk on. I haven’t even seen pavements on most roads. And, even when there are pavements, I have never seen pedestrians being forced to walk on the pavement."

"Are you saying that since the government fines people when the guys don’t do something that ought to be done, the government too ought to be fined for roads that don’t have pavements?"

"That’s a thought, I should say. Why not indeed? But to get back to what I was saying, I haven’t seen pavements on most roads. And look at the people who drive on the roads. Have you been able to witness the rare sight of vehicles actually stopping when pedestrians get a green light? But what really convinces me about the total uselessness of pedestrians is when I see traffic policemen stand by and watch vehicles zoom by even when the pedestrian green light is on. It happens every day, every time, at the KSCA stadium junction on Kasturba Road. It can’t be as simple as the constables being amused by the sight of the poor guys getting scared out of their wits and having to run and dodge to save themselves; that would pall in a few days. It has to be deeper. I am sure there is some research whose findings haven’t been disclosed and which give statistics that show that pedestrians are such a pain and a drain."

"What are you trying to say? What do you want?"

"What I really WANT right now is the report. Based on that, then, we could probably put together a more efficient mechanism. Bulldozers... or junkyard crushers... or maybe plain machine guns...."

+ An Entertaining Rained-Out Session

(This is only technically my blog entry - in that I am uploading it, loading it up, whatever. The names of the authors of these entertaintaining words come up in the first lot of time-stamped lines below.)

I went to Cricinfo about an hour and three quarters after play was supposed to have started in the second Test between India and England (that would be about 15 minutes ago) - and was treated to something somewhat better than how the cricket is likely to have proceeded had the weather not played up. I've made a few edits to shorten it (indicated, where I remembered to put them in, by ellipses), but haven't bothered to take permission from Cricinfo for either the edits or the post. I sure hope they won't mind.

Here goes:

QUOTE

10.00am Good morning one and all - or afternoon, or evening - and welcome along to the first day of the second Test at Trent Bridge, with things all square between England and India after the squeaky draw at Lord's.

First the bad news (sorry) - heavy overnight rains have delayed the start slightly, and now the good: the sun is shining; the players are out there practising, and inspections will be every half hour until play gets underway. The stumps are sitting hopefully in their place, too, so we shouldn't be too long before we kick off.

I'll keep you updated, of course, I being Jenny Thompson, hello. My co-driver today is Martin Williamson; we'll have S Rajesh on the bulletin, Andrew Miller providing colour and Gnasher McGlashan would be on drums... but he's off today.

10.20am Andrew Miller does not report a lot. "Not a lot to report at the moment." (technically, he just got paid for that non-observation)....

It's frustrating all this wet weather malarkey, isn't it? A few tales for a non-rainy day as this is while we wait for news... Yesterday I was at Lord's where the head groundsman Mick Hunt told me all about the splendid drainage system he has in operation there... but also revealed that it has its disadvantages - fast draining on really sunny days means the ground gets "really thirsty". So it's not all roses, or "streamers and bloomers" to use his phrase, bless him....

And speaking of Worcestershire, I also went to Guildford yesterday (rather greedily) to see them play Surrey. Phil Jaques told me that Gareth Batty had had to stay at his house because of the floods. Now, this is the same Gareth Batty who got into difficulties while surfing in Sri Lanka in 2003 and had to be rescued. What is it with him and water? Rumours he was driving (steering?) the Fredalo have yet to be confirmed.

10.30am "Aw, look, it is very frustrating," says guess-which-umpire, yes, it's Simon Taufel. "We're hopeful the sun keeps beating down and the public are patient and that we can start at some point today."...

10.50am Justin Jones suggests: "Maybe a liberal use of talcum powder on the outfield would solve the problem?" Erm, thanks for that, Justin. The water table is so high that there's really nowhere for the water to go, hence the sogginess of the outfield....

11.20am "Can you talk us through why the drainage in Lord's was so marvellous," asks Tom Foltynie. "Perhaps even let the people in Tewkesbury know." In brief - there'll be a full feature coming out over the weekend - Lord's used to have clay soil, which allowed minimal drainage, so in 2002 they relaid it to a golf green spec, replacing most of the clay with a mixture comprising 90% sand content. At the same time they added an irrigation system for when the ground gets thirsty, as it rapidly does (one of the downsides). The ground can now cope with two inches of rainfall, which is what fell on the second day. The system cost £1.25million to install, which was repaid alone by saving on ticket refunds at the Test. So now you know.

11.25am We're still waiting for the inspection, so while we are... here's something for you to (Glenn) ponder. Sir Tim Rice wrote to my Wisden Cricketer magazine colleagues recently saying "The npower logo ... when viewed upside down ... becomes a new and exciting logo for a company entitled Jamodu. I have therefore set up a company with this name, and appointed directors. We simply need something for Jamodu to do or make." Any ideas?....

11.50am No feedback on the inspection yet, ominously perhaps, but the surnameless Brendan has made us laugh: "Maybe jamodu could take electricity away from people?" Bhavani Shankar adds: "Lightning rods/earthing wire spring to mind, but maybe the physics geeks out there can come up with a better opposite for electricity."

12.00pm Another inspection is due at 12.45pm. The players are engaging in lighthearted practice. The sun is shining, it's a shame there can be no cricket right now. Ron Gerard asks: "Jamodu - suppliers of yticirtcele?" Did that hurt your eyes reading it, too? Sorry if so.

12.10pm Mark Kidger tells us: "TMS has decided to go off-air, which means that they are not expecting any play in the foreseeable future." Crikey.

12.20pm James Darmon says: "I think Jamodu is one of those fiendish Japanese games where you have to use logic to work out why play has been delayed." Soggy outfield, I win. I'll have Goldfinger, too, as Spudgun would say.

12.30pm "This rain delay allows me to finish my Harry Potter book!" writes! Cryus! "Hope you have one, too." No, I am an adult. Great news that Daniel Radcliffe is a cricket convert, though. He's not been spotted at Trent Bridge yet, alas; I'm sure they could do with some Potter magic. What am I saying; it's not real.

12.40pm Squelch-watch - still soggy, alas. In unrelated non-sogginess, Willo's in the house (he says hello) and has set up a very exciting caption competition for you to enter. There be prizes, too. Yah. Be witty, immediately

12.35pm Sky are showing replays of the last Test. We could do similar but it wouldn't be that exciting...

9.5 Tremlett to Jaffer, 2 runs, Tremlett bowls a little fuller on off stump, Jaffer leans forward and pushes towards cover for a single, the overthrow allows the second

Nope, doesn't work, does it. Still, only ten minutes till the next inspection...

Meanwhile, Salim intones: "Ask not what jamodu can do for you, ask what you can do for jamodu." Deep as the outfield puddles, Salim. "Since npower supplies power, Jamodu can just supply Jamod to the people," suggests Ullad. Like it... but wouldn't that be Amodu?...

UNQUOTE